And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Finally! 😈
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Saw your ex at the shops
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.