If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“Itself”
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“Itself”~History
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”