Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
plant them where lol
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.