[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Taliband
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
But I really needed water water water
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Ironic
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’