flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
#FunnyLife Insects
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho