closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
5 ways to appear taller
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.