If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full