Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.