me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao