Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Just got to our Airbnb!
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March