Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You Might Also Like
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.