People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
best first i’ve ever seen
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker