Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
This made me smile…
Those are good neighbors.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
inside you are two wolves
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
August 8
Ape together strong
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser