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Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot