I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
when revenge coincides with naptime
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks