When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that