fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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Waffles make excellent pill organizers
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now