Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
You Might Also Like
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that