[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.