[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Truth
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”