Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*