ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Bike for sale
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.