[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.