PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The smoothest fall of all time
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.