*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
No way!
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices