ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
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My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars