When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
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Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit