3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games