*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
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PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.