My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Ha
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?