I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Lucky old June.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
#titanic
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Great acting.. 😂
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?