Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”