side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
You Might Also Like
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Not today
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*