*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Botany good plants lately?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.