Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
You Might Also Like
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.