Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Facebook memories be like
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no