A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
You Might Also Like
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Someone just threatened to call me later
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.