“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
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Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus