*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
me and my fake scenarios
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
That de-escalated quickly
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
we all know this pain all too well
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’d hang this in my house.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Weirdly Wednesday.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]