Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
You Might Also Like
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated