Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?