Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I get distracted pretty eas
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one