just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The news is so predictable nowadays
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
🙂🐾
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Can’t stop laughing
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.