My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.