Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
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People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.