Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…