Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Where is that goddamn asteroid already