Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.