My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes