4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
won’t smith
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates